Like a Whiskey Lullaby
by Smoochynose
Summary: A mission gone wrong, a friend dead, and spirit broken. All that's left is the swirling amber liquid at the bottom of a bottle.


Disclaimer. I don't own Naruto. If I did the manga would be made of stickfigures and then it wouldn't be the Naruto we loved.

A/N: This fiction is inspired by the song Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisley. However it isn't a songfic. I really do recommend you listen to it though.

_Edit_ A/N: Due to one reviewer (and I use that term lightly when it comes to flamers) claiming I was romantising death/suicide I want to make it clear that it is not my intention. I would have thought that would have been evident seeing what the pain and loss drives the characters to and how it affects those around them. However I honestly do believe that there is some form of afterlife where people are unaffected by all the pain in life so it may appear to some that was what I was trying to do. If I have insulted anyone who has personally been affected by suicide then I do apologise.

* * *

**Like a Whisky Lullaby**

* * *

At the Konoha hospital it wasn't too unusual for the doors to be bursting inwards as a ninja carried their grievously wounded partner in. What was much more uncommon was at the same time as this ninja came through the doors, running on a limp, blood-soaked, and pasty with a female ninja that already looked dead in his arms, the clone of that same ninja was bursting in to the Hokage's office and summoning the woman herself to help.

The nurses, doctors, and medic-nin that were always on standby for cases like these leapt to their feet, strapping the female to a trolley and pulling her away into surgery. The male followed as far as he could go, shaking off attempts of the other medics to heal him, and trying to block out phrases such as 'I can't find a pulse' and 'She's not breathing' and the sounds of them trying to restart the female's heart.

Two minutes after she had entered surgery, Tsunade, giving a brief comforting glance at the male, entered the room. The male wasn't sure how long after that he waited or even how many people passed him by in that time but minutes, although it could just as well have been hours, later a familiar hand rested on his shoulder.

"She's going to make it Naruto. Sakura's strong."

Nodded at Ino's words. He wasn't sure he believed it. Ino wasn't there when she was injured. Ino wasn't there when Naruto had to use a lightning jutsu to restart Sakura's heart four times as he ran across Fire Country. Most of all, Ino wasn't there when Sakura believed so much that this was the end for her that she had been giving Naruto her last goodbyes.

The rest of his friends were there, faces drawn with concern and worry. Ino was crouched down in front of where he sat against the wall so that she was eyelevel with him. "Come on Naruto, Sakura will probably be in their a little while longer, let's get you cleaned up."

It was then and only then that Naruto took note of the amount of blood on him. There was so much, too much. How much blood could a human body loose and still survive? He began to tremble. "It's not blood," he muttered, "It's not my blood." He began clawing away at his arms and hands, trying to get her blood off him, all the while repeating the words like a mantra. He managed to do a fair bit of damage to himself before Kiba and Choji managed to restrain him.

Suddenly, Naruto slumped in their arms and began to cry. After that, the one last duty needed to be performed was left to Shikamaru.

"Where's Kakashi?"

Naruto just shook his head.

* * *

Naruto stepped into the small off-licence store and grabbed several packets of instant ramen, some toiletries, and a bottle of whiskey. The civilian cashier gave him a look at the last item, knowing that Naruto had only just bought a bottle the night before and the night before that and so on. He said nothing though.

Practically everyone in the village knew how _that _mission had turned out, even if the details were only known by a select few. Just like only a select few knew that in the last few months Naruto had become an alcoholic. He knew several suspected but only the cashiers of the small off-licence, Ino, Shikamaru, and Kiba actually knew for certain. Naruto was good at hiding things, especially when they were about himself.

His items bought and paid for, he made his way back to his apartment. Once upon a time he would have cared about the state it had become. He had always been exceptionally tidy, having so few items that he wished to look after them properly. However since that night when he had waited eighteen hours covered in Sakura's blood outside the theatre he hadn't cared much about anything.

Grabbing a dirty cup from the side, he gave it a quick rinse before unscrewing the whisky cap and pouring himself a generous amount. He downed it quickly, barely feeling the burn anymore. Then again, he rarely felt anything anymore.

* * *

The day was Saturday. And so like all Saturdays and Wednesdays, Naruto dragged himself out of bed despite his hangover and cleaned himself up, taking his time to shower, brush his hair and teeth. He pulled on a pair of clean clothes that he made sure he had around for Saturdays and Wednesdays. After that he grabbed some money, which due to his drinking habits was becoming increasingly less, and walked across town to Ino's flower shop. The twenty-three year old had taken over its running when she went on maternity leave the year before and had never left except for the rare, lower ranked mission.

Naruto smiled at his friend as he entered the shop, only to receive a withering glare. She'd figured out his false smiles in the last few months years after Sakura had begun to see through them and liked them about as much as the pink haired woman had. It was because of that, Ino made a rule. Whilst it was just her around he wasn't to smile if he didn't mean it. Naruto didn't smile at all.

Naruto picked out a bouquet and carried it over to the counter, where Ino wrung it up for him. "How are you feeling today?" she asked, like always.

"Good," he lied, like always.

Ino's shoulders slouched. "You, know, one day you're going to want to talk about it. And I will be here when you need me."

"Thanks Ino," Naruto muttered, before handing over the money and taking his flowers. After that he walked to his first intended destination, just like he did every Wednesday and Saturday. He sat down in front of the memorial stone and ran his fingers across a couple of the last names to be added. He bowed his head, whispering apologies, before getting back up, still with the flowers and walked to the place he both dreaded and loved.

The hospital room was small and the window didn't let in nearly enough light. On the windowsill there were several vases full of flowers. There weren't nearly as many as there were three months, two weeks, and six days before. Those flowers has withered, died, and been discarded by the nurses. Naruto made sure there were always fresh flowers though. He picked the vase that had wilted the most, emptied the flowers into the bin, and placed the new bouquet in the vase.

It was then and only then did Naruto turn to look at the single occupant of the room. A small, frail form lay in the bed attached to the many wires and monitors meant to keep her alive. Her form looking withered and stick like. Sakura had never looked so weak. It was horrible, seeing her in a coma like that, one that the doctors were saying that they don't think she will wake from. However it also gave him hope.

She was alive, She was strong. She had to wake up.

* * *

"I thought I'd find you here."

Naruto looked up at Tsunade's voice. The redness around his eyes was the only sign that he had been crying. His hands were cupping one of Sakura's limp ones, tenderly holding it to his face. In private it was often a conversation whether anything had ever happened between Konoha's hero and the pinkette. Tsunade knew that he had been in love with her a long time, whether that had gradually translated into strong friendship or whether she had returned his feelings even she didn't know. Ninja tended to keep relationships secret, particularly ones with many enemies like Naruto.

Naruto looked at her a long moment before turning back to Sakura, brushing a limp piece of hair out of her face. His shoulders were hunched and she could tell he was trying not to cry. "You've heard then," she commented, stating fact.

"How'd you guess?" His voice was rough, whether from crying or drinking Tsunade wasn't sure. She knew of the drinking of course. She was the Hokage. That meant she had to look out for her ninjas. She looked out for Naruto in particular. She wasn't sure how to help him through this though. Sakura wasn't the only one who had been wasting away for sixth months.

"It's Monday," Tsunade told him. "You never visit on Mondays. And you brought white lilies today." White lilies signifying death. White lilies meaning that Sakura's parents had decided to turn off her life-support machines.

"I came to say goodbye," Naruto admitted, his voice sounding scratchy. "I can't watch her die, granny. I won't be there tomorrow." He looked up at her and it broke her heart to see that small spark of hope in his eyes had completely died.

"I'm sorry."

Naruto shrugged. "Not your fault." His voice left little doubt where he felt the blame lay. He turned back to Sakura, murmured something in the unconscious girl's ear, before kissing her forehead gently and standing. "Bye Granny," he said, with one of his false smiles, before he walked out the door and undoubtedly to a liquor store somewhere.

Tsunade sighed and wondered where it all went so wrong.

* * *

There was excited chatter in the hallway. For being outside a room where they were going to turn off a life-support machine this should have seemed rude and inappropriate, however in the last half hour before the switch was due to be flicked, Sakura had begun to show signs of waking and the Haruno's had postponed their decision until it was proven not to be another false alarm. But the signs had grown stronger and stronger and it had reached the point they were certain the girl was waking up.

The Konoha twelve had just received the news from her parents. Ino was sobbing with relief, having come expecting the death of one of her best friends. Kiba was jumping happily, Lee was commenting on youthful miracles, and everyone else was in various states of joy and relief.

"Wait! Wait! Wait" Ino cried. "Someone better go tell Naruto." Her eyes glanced over Kiba and Shikamaru, telling them it better be one of them. They had done their best to keep Naruto's alcoholism to themselves, not wanting their friends to see the state Naruto could get himself into sometimes. It was hard seeing the usually cheery blond like that.

"I'll go," Kiba volunteered. "Besides Akamaru will want to know about her recovery as well." His canine partner met him outside the hospital, looking pretty miserable until Kiba told him the good news. After that they raced off at high speeds to the side of town where Naruto lived, arriving in good time.

"Hey, Naruto!" he shouted, bursting in. "Sakura's waking up. She's going to be fine."

The smell of whiskey was overpowering, with a collection of bottles sitting on every surface. Then there was the large volume of sake bottles that hadn't been there when he checked on the blond a week before. When Naruto didn't answer he made his way inside, Akamaru waiting outside due to the broken glass bottles on the floor.

"Naruto? You here?" He pushed open the bedroom door and the scent of whiskey increased tenfold. Underneath the burning smell however was another faint scent that sent Kiba's hackles on edge. He entered the room fully, barely taking in the empty bottles by the edge of the bed. His attention was focused on the blond, his head laying in the pillow looking for all the world like he was asleep. Kiba knew different though.

There was the scent of blood and death in the air.

* * *

Tsunade was trying to explain to ninja that waking from a coma wasn't like how it was in shows. Sakura was going to be very confused and would probably only be awake for about five minutes the first time she woke, as well as probably having an inability to speak, and that was no sudden miraculous recovery.

Nobody seemed to be listening though. They all wanted to go in and talk to her and generally be a loud noisy crowd around a ninja that was feeling particularly dazed and vulnerable, which was never a good mixture.

They fell silent however when Kiba returned alone and stony faced. He beckoned the Hokage to the other side of the hallway so he could murmur to her in low tones that the other ninja could not hear. He passed her something that the others could not see and her face crumbled, dropping the item.

Caught by the wind the bloodstained paper drifted to the feet of the other ninja.

_I'll love her till I die._

* * *

Sakura sat in a wheelchair at the old team seven training grounds where Naruto's funeral was being held. Normally ninja were cremated as soon as possible due to it being the only way to protect the village secrets they held. They'd delayed it long enough for her to have the strength to be there. He probably had the largest turn out since the third Hokage. He would have liked that. The recognition.

She hated it. She knew why he did it, even if the others did their best to shield her from the truth. It was because she didn't wake soon enough, because Naruto really believed he had lost his final team member, and because of her. It had been Ino who showed her the note and explained what had happened to Naruto whilst she had been in a coma.

She hated it all.

She watched the flames lick high into the sky. They burned brightly and then they died. Just like Naruto.

* * *

Sakura glanced round Naruto's apartment. It was two weeks after the funeral and she was finally strong enough, both physically and mentally to begin cleaning up his belongings. _Her _belongings. Naruto's will had left everything of what little he owned to her. She didn't want it. She just wanted her best friend back.

The place had already been tidied by her friends for her so she didn't have to face the empty whiskey bottles or the bloodstained sheets where Naruto had climbed under the covers, note in hand, and put a kunai through his heart. It didn't help though. She just stared at the stained mattress, thinking about how Naruto must have died. He must have felt so alone and responsible. It wasn't his fault but Naruto was like that. If anything happened to his precious people he laboured over what he could have done for things to have turned out better.

She suddenly wished she had accepted Ino's offer to help her. The apartment, usually so warm and bright and full of life was stale and dead and wrong. She shook her head, as if it would shake away the thoughts and began placing his things in the cardboard boxes she had brought with her.

She opened the first draw of one of his dressers and emptied the large stash of kunai and nin-wire into the first box. It was a simple action but she felt so heavy. It made the whole thing real. Naruto was dead, he was gone, and he had left her behind. She always was the one being left behind. Sasuke and Naruto, her boys always seemed to be those few steps ahead of her. And this time Kakashi and Sai had left her behind too. Tears slipped out of her eyes against her will and Sakura rested her head against the dresser for a while, before finally willing herself to open the next one.

The scent that was Naruto filled her nostrils. She looked at the rumpled clothing, unwashed and felt her heart break a little at how badly he must have been feeling in those months she couldn't be there for him. He was always anal retentive when it came to being clean and tidy. It was something that had shocked her at first before being something of a longstanding joke between them. He was openly messy in public but a neat freak in private. She was pristine clean in public but a complete slob at home.

A sob choked in her throat as she grabbed an orange sweater, it was an ugly thing that she had tried to knit him for Christmas one year. Naruto had loved it. It smelt of Naruto, and ramen, and whiskey. Her tears began to pour freely down her face until she brushed the traitorous things away. She pulled the sweater over her head and the rest of his clothes were folded neatly until another cardboard box, sealed up tightly with tape so his scent wouldn't escape from it.

Sakura slumped against the dresser weakly. She hadn't realised how hard it would be to do this. She was just putting things in boxes but here she was, breaking down because of it. She staggered to her feet, glancing around the room, her eyes landing on the photo frames on the small chest of drawers that acted as his bedside table. The photo frame in the centre, taking pride and place was a silver one that could be folded in two, with one photo on the left and one on the right. The left hand photo was one she had on display too. It was their genin photo, Kakashi, Sasuke, Naruto, and herself all with various moods and innocent to the times that lay ahead.

The photo on the right was taken when they were eighteen, some months after they had finally returned Sasuke. Another team photo, only with an extra face in it. Sakura was between her two boys, looking more relaxed than she had in a long time. Naruto was smiling widely, while Sasuke had that glare that said 'I'm not going to admit it but this is actually nice.' Kakashi was behind them, looking down proudly at the reunited team seven. And to Naruto's right, fully included in the group, was Sai, with a small genuine smile.

Sakura folded the frame and put it into a smaller box that she intended on moving into her own room. Small mementos of Naruto because she couldn't have anything else.

The next photos had Naruto surrounded by various friends; Iruka, Tsunade, the third, Gaara, the rookie nine, one of team Gai, one of him and her as they were out celebrating her twenty-first. The last one she took extra care in handling the single photo he owned of his parents, Kushina's stomach rounded with the son she would have.

After she had finished with that she opened the first draw, her face turning into an immediate scowl at the cover of the magazine. "Pervert," she muttered, moving it into the box she had already designated for rubbish. A clinking noise caught her attention. Turning back she looked at the two glass bottles sitting in the draw. One was empty but the other was half full.

She trembled slightly at the reminder of what her coma had driven Naruto to and dumped the whiskey bottles with the magazines. She paused, looking at the bottle that still contained the amber liquid and picked it back up. Unscrewing the lid she took a sniff, wincing as it burnt her nostrils. Then, she took a sip, feeling the way it moved down her throat. She coughed, unused to such a strong drink. She sighed and screwed the lid on, moving it back on top of the magazines.

Three hours later, as Sakura left, she picked the whiskey up and guiltily set it next to the silver photo frame.

* * *

Tsunade looked at the young woman before her. The last sixth months had changed her more then the six she had spent in the coma. Her sea foam green eyes were dull and her face blank as she demanded yet another high ranked mission.

When Sakura had applied to be in the Anbu as soon as she was fit for duty again, Tsunade had known exactly what she was looking for. Solo missions in the Anbu had much higher death rates after all and the ones that Sakura wanted were practically suicide missions. The girl was too good at what she did though and came back each time successfully with minor injury.

It was this part of her job that Tsunade hated. As much as she wanted to put her apprentice's wellbeing first these missions were vital for the safety of the village and the people who lived within her walls. So it was with a heavy heart she pushed another mission folder across the desk and, as Sakura left, she wondered if this time would be the time she didn't return.

* * *

Sakura grabbed a top from her wardrobe, ignoring the whiskey bottle hidden away in the corner, as she prepared for her first night out in over a year and a half, although almost a third of that had been spent in a coma. Ino had been rather insistent and Sakura had finally run out of excuses.

Half an hour later she walked out to one of the more popular bars, where her friends waved her over to their table. She sat in the background, listening but not partaking in the conversation unless spoken to directly. In her mind she could hear what Naruto would say at certain points, just like she used to hear what Sasuke and Sai would say after they had died. It hadn't been so bad then. Naruto would talk about what he thought they would say and they'd laugh and argue over it, remembering the good times and the bad times with equal fondness. But now she didn't have him to laugh and argue about it with and it only brought her pain.

"Come on," Kiba exclaimed loudly because it was the only way an Inuzuka would exclaim anything. "A drinking game. It'll be fun."

Ino was readily agreeing, glaring her old team-mates into submission until they agreed. Neji was also glaring, only at Kiba and for an entirely different reason. "Hinata-sama shouldn't be drinking." The girl blushed as eyes focused on the slight pregnancy bump she was developing.

"She could always play with alcohol free shots," Kiba suggested, bickering with Neji until he agreed.

"Yosh! I shall beat my rival at this useful game," Lee exclaimed.

"Only if he has alcohol free shots too," murmured TenTen to the agreement of all. They didn't need Lee's drunken fist fighting.

"Sakura? What about you?"

"Yeh, I'm in."

Shino nodded in agreement as Kiba called over for a bottle of vodka and an alcohol free alternative, along with a multitude of shot glasses.

"So what game are we going to play?" asked Ino.

Kiba grinned. "I Never."

"Brilliant," the blond exclaimed.

"How do you play?" It was Neji who asked, cringing on the last word. Playing was not something Neji did.

"One person says 'I never …' something and those who have done it have to take a shot and if nobody else has the person saying it has to," explained Kiba.

"The aim is basically to get the other people hammered," concluded Ino. "Can I start?" The others nodded in agreement, not particularly caring one way or another. "I've never … kissed Neji."

She grinned as TenTen, Hinata, and surprisingly Lee took a shot. There were a few looks sent Neji's way at that, who glared at his sniggering female team-mate and at Ino for bringing it up.

"I've never had sex with Choji," TenTen said. Ino and a blushing Hinata took a shot.

"Both of them?" Kiba grinned. Choji just smirked.

"I've never has sex at Choji's house," Shikamaru commented.

Ino, Hinata, and Choji were the first to take a shot, before slowly, looking a little guilty all but Shikamaru took a shot.

The Akimichi spluttered. "You've all had sex at my house."

"Christmas party," admitted Kiba, earning a few nods of agreement.

"You have that really nice bed," added TenTen.

"In my bed? And you, what about you?" he asked, pointing at Sakura.

"It was a big bed and we were all -" she cut herself off.

"All of you?" Ino asked with wide eyes. "As in more than two of you?"

Sakura shook her head. "Not telling."

"I've never had a threesome," commented Choji across the table. All eyes were on Sakura as she reluctantly took a shot, while Kiba made a big show of having his with a large grin on his face.

"No way. You really had a threesome?" Ino laughed.

"In my bed," muttered Choji grumpily.

"Who with?" Kiba asked. "Mine was with two very lovely girls from Mist." He paused, realising that she wasn't going to answer. "I've never had a threesome with Leaf-nin."

Sakura glared at them, grabbing the bottle and pouring herself a shot, downing it quickly.

"Were they hot?" asked Hinata, ignoring the surprised looks she got at the question. "Wait a second. I've never had a threesome with two guys."

Sakura's glare increased as she swallowed another shot. "I've never been married," she spat. The majority of the group downed a shot each.

"I've never been romantically involved with a team-mate," commented Shino. Only Lee didn't down a shot but once more the focus was on Sakura.

"I've never had sex with Naruto," Ino said quietly. The pinkette alone downed a shot and Ino could only watch her with sad eyes. "Why didn't you tell us?"

Sakura just shook her head, and sat silently before she filled her shot glass so much that it overflowed. "I'll tell you this then. I've never had my fiancé commit suicide," she said solemnly, before downing the shot and walking away.

"Well shit," murmured Kiba. The others muttered their agreements.

* * *

Sakura sat on her bed, her strappy sandals kicked off at the end. She lay listening to the sounds happening outside her window as she drank whiskey straight from the bottle. When she had gone home from the night out she had opened up a box she kept under her bed, pulled on the orange jumper that had long since lost Naruto's scent, and gently placed the engagement ring on her finger for the first time in months. After that she had grabbed a bottle of whisky and the team photos in the silver frame and just sat and drank and cried.

She crawled under her covers, holding the photos in one hand and the whiskey bottle in another. She missed her team so much. They were in no uncertain terms her real family. She barely knew let alone understood her parents anymore but she just got her team-mates and they got her.

She buried herself under the covers, blocking out the light and closing her eyes. In the confined space she could smell the whiskey on her own breath. Her hand reached under the pillow and pulled out a small vial that she had been working with at the hospital to try and create an antidote. They hadn't yet succeeded. She smiled slightly, before swallowing the contents and washing down with the whiskey.

Her team-mates had always been two steps ahead of her but they knew better by now to think she wouldn't catch up with them.

She clutched the photo of her team closer.

* * *

The cornfield was a warm, gold colour, like whiskey and the wind was soft and smooth. Sakura ran her fingers over the corn heads before lying on her back in the field, content just to feel the sun on her skin. She wasn't sure how long she lay there but she only opened her eyes again when a shadow was cast over her.

Naruto grinned down at her. His features much softer and relaxed than they had been in years, probably since they were children starting out together. She smiled up at him as he offered his hand and lifted her to her feet.

He whispered in her ear and looking up she could see the rest of her boys standing in the distance. All she had to do was cross the last bit of the field. Naruto encircled her hand and they took that first step together.


End file.
